James Barry

When you have your first child, it forces you to become more mature.

You’ve added a net new responsibility to your list. The care and ownership of another human.

To take on that responsibility, you need to make better decisions. Improve how you allocate your time, increase your earning power, say no to more things, etc.

Frankly, adding that responsibility is terrifying. Which is why at 27, I haven’t had a child yet.

It’s an interesting concept to think about though. If having a child could improve your time allocation or increase your earning power, what else force you to make improvements?

Here are a few that come to mind:

1. Receiving a job promotion.
2. Adopting a dog. (similar to having a kid, but not really)
3. Buying a house.
4. Entering a long-term relationship.
5. Joining a non-profit
6. Launching a blog.

A forcing function doesn’t guarantee change though.

Technically, you can have a child and not take on any additional responsibility.

There are plenty of people that do that.

However, if you use forcing functions with good intentions, they can be great tools to change behaviors.

For example, launching this blog has led to three clear improvements in my life:

1. I spend a significant amount of time each week writing.
2. Whenever I consume content, I take copious notes (using Roam Research).
3. I’ve become a lot more intentional about what type of content I consume.

It does not always feel great in the moment to have a force that changes your behavior.

In the long run though, you’ll be glad you made the change though.

So maybe today is the day to go out and do whatever you’ve been putting off.

Get a dog. Launch a blog. Start volunteering.

You won’t regret it.

An AMAZING song by Audioslave, and also a terrible piece of advice.

If I had a dime for every time that I read “Be Yourself, Be Authentic, Be Real”, I would have at least 100 dimes. Maybe 200. But definitely not 500.

Be Yourself is advice that people who have already “figured out life” give because… their current state is who they believe they were meant to be.

For the rest of us though, “Be Yourself” can be shitty advice.

Here is why:

We’re Constantly Changing:

The person you are at 15 is a lot different from who you are at 18, which is even more different from who you are at 25.

I’m only 27 (at the time of penning this article), and only in this past year have I felt like I’ve started to hit maturity.

And because I know what the Dunning-Kruger effect is, I realize that I’m not even close to being mature.

Part of being alive is accepting that who you are will change.

We all will move forward, and need to embrace the chance as it comes.

We All Have Bad Qualities:

Except for Fred Rogers. He’s the example of the best a human can be. He should be himself 😊.

For the rest of us ordinary humans, we all have things that we should, and can, improve upon.

It may be how we treat others.

It could be the vices we give into.

But most likely, it is how we treat ourselves. I know I can always improve in that area.

None of us will ever be perfect, and that’s a good thing.

So don’t just be yourself, strive to be somebody better.

But It’s Not All Bad:

Being yourself is actually fairly good advice.

As long as you think about what you can’t change.

The parts of your personality, your character, your upbringing that make you… well YOU!

Those parts you should embrace. Everything that you can’t change.

The atomic units that build up the incredibly unique individuals that we all are.

For me… those characteristics are being loud, being opinionated, and making decisions quickly.

Your qualities are what makes you unique, and even if you don’t like them, they are there to stay.

At The End of the Day…

This post was written tongue and cheek. 👅

Be Yourself is probably one of my favorite sayings.

There is nothing wrong with embracing yourself, fully.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t, and shouldn’t, try and improve.

Who you are right now is just a moment in time.

So yes, be yourself.

But also strive to be somebody better.

Our choices are driven by many factors.

• Background (how we were raised): If you grew with a specific religion, you’re more likely on average to continue following it.
• Personality: If you don’t like meeting new people, you will gravitate towards doing solo activities.
• Physical Limitations: If you can’t run due to an injury, you won’t be doing any marathons.
• Social Circle: It’s easier to do what your friends do.

Three of the four above factors are outside your control. You don’t pick how you were raised. You don’t choose your personality, and you definitely don’t decide physical limitations. Those are all given to you.

What you do pick though, is your social circle. Specifically, how it influences the decisions you make.

From a young age I always had a big desire to fit in. (Don’t we all?)

To have friends. To get invited to parties. To be liked.

So the majority of decisions I made were influenced by that end goal. How could I ensure I had a large social circle?

As time progressed and I met more people, it became easier to achieve this goal. My default answer just became saying “yes” when people asked me to do anything.

It makes sense. The more often you yes, the more often people will invite you to do something.

Time was never a consideration. The amount of time it takes to travel. The collective months of life lost to being hungover. The time that I didn’t devote to pursuing other things.

Saying yes to what others want to do can be a great default earlier on in life.

After a certain point though, it should no longer be the default.

Instead, ask yourself this question: “What Would You Do If Other People Didn’t Matter?”

Maybe you’ll spend your scarce time just a bit differently.

There is a 99.99% chance you are destined to live a boring, unexceptional life.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Living an exceptional life is just that. It’s an exception to what is normal.

Because of this fact, we are obsessed with the 0.001% who live truly remarkable lives.

The outliers who live in their chosen extreme such as:

• David Goggin’s – Did BUD/S (Navy Seal Training) 3 times. World Record holder with 4030 pullups in 17 hours. 60+ ultra-marathons.
• Elon Musk – Runs two companies. One makes spaceships. The other, electric cars.
• Hunter S. Thompson – Author of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

Hunter S. Thompson made the list because of one thing – his famous drug use. Below was his daily routine in his prime:

• 3:00 p.m. rise
• 3:05 p.m. Chivas Regal with the morning papers, Dunhills
• 3:45 p.m. cocaine
• 3:50 p.m. another glass of Chivas, Dunhill
• 4:05 p.m. first cup of coffee, Dunhill
• 4:15 p.m. cocaine
• 4:16 p.m. orange juice, Dunhill
• 4:30 p.m. cocaine
• 4:54 p.m. cocaine
• 5:05 p.m. cocaine
• 5:11 p.m. coffee, Dunhills
• 5:30 p.m. more ice in the Chivas
• 5:45 p.m. cocaine, etc., etc.
• 6:00 p.m. grass to take the edge off the day
• 7:05 p.m. Woody Creek Tavern for lunch-Heineken, two margaritas, coleslaw, a taco salad, a double order of fried onion rings, carrot cake, ice cream, a bean fritter, Dunhills, another Heineken, cocaine, and for the ride home, a snow cone (a glass of shredded ice over which is poured three or four jig­gers of Chivas)
• 9:00 p.m. starts snorting cocaine seriously
• 10:00 p.m. drops acid
• 11:00 p.m. Chartreuse, cocaine, grass
• 11:30 p.m. cocaine, etc, etc.
• 12:00 midnight, Hunter S. Thompson is ready to write
• 12:05-6:00 a.m. Chartreuse, cocaine, grass, Chivas, coffee, Heineken, clove cigarettes, grapefruit, Dunhills, orange juice, gin, continuous pornographic movies.
• 6:00 a.m. the hot tub-champagne, Dove Bars, fettuccine Alfredo
• 8:00 a.m. Halcyon
• 8:20 a.m. sleep

While the lives of these three men make fantastic stories to read about, the reality is that their lifestyles have tremendous downside:

David Goggins pushes himself to his physical limit every DAY. Just read his book “Can’t Hurt Me“.

Elon Musk publicly said “You don’t want to be me”. He works 100+ hours every week.

Hunter S. Thompson killed himself due to years of drug abuse (see the above).

It’s may be fun to dream about having an exceptional life, but there’s something amazing about just living a normal one.