When Yvon Chouinard started Patagonia in 1957, he did so with the goal of supporting his outdoor adventures. Since then the company has grown, yet it has stayed true to its mission of supporting, and protecting, the outdoors.

This overarching goal has led to some “odd” business decisions by Patagonia. Such as offering to repair damaged clothes (including its competitors), buying back old gear, and launching advertisements urging consumers to not buy their products.

The reason Patagonia does all this is because they have one thing they will not compromise on: Their mission to protect their environment. For them, that mission is their north star, the one thing that is non-negotiable.

Non-negotiables don’t just exist in business though. We all have areas of our life we won’t compromise on. The big difference though is knowing what those areas are, and the reasons behind it. Once you know what you absolutely won’t compromise on, it allows you to prioritize your time, make faster decisions, and focus on what truly matters.

What exactly is a non-negotiable?

A non-negotiable is what the name implies: it is something in your life that you will not compromise on. It may be the career you want, the hours of sleep you need per night, or the city you want to live in. It’s anything that you would not even think about negotiating.

It’s good to have a few non-negotiables in every area of your life so you have . I break mine out into the following four major categories:

1. Friends: The people you spend your free time with.

2. Family & Partners: Your serious “forever” relationships.

3. Career: Your professional focus.

4. Health: Your body.

Non-negotiables come in all shapes and sizes. They can be as small as always going on your annual family trip, or as big as choosing to only pursue a career in the non-profit space. The important part is understanding the underlying reason behind why you are making the decision. You may choose the trip because your family is the most important thing in your life. The non-profit space may be the only industry you want to work in because you need to make a positive difference.

Non-negotiables will likely change over time. If you are in your 20s, pursuing a specific career or spending time with friends are two common non-negotiables people pick. 

As you get older your focus shifts to your family and spending time with your loved ones. At certain times in life, focusing on your health will be a priority over everything else.

One of the keys to making non-negotiables work for you is to write them down. When you write something down, you greatly increase the chance of it actually happening. Then, once you know what you won’t compromise on in life you begin to get two major benefits:

1. Decisions are surprisingly easy. When you know exactly what you will and will not do, decisions become easier.  

2. It gives you a clearer sense of your priorities in life. Knowing what you do, and do not, value in life is key to living a fulfilling one. If you know you are constantly working to protect what is important, it helps bring peace of mind.

Non-negotiables allow you to immediately determine if something is worth considering. If it’s not, you’ll be able to provide a clear reason as to why and move on to whatever else is next.

How to determine your non-negotiables

Determining your non-negotiables does not have to be a difficult process. 

Just think back to the last time you were unhappy, losing sleep, or even worse losing your health.

For me, it was my first job where I spent 80% of my time on busy work (one of those jobs where you just did PowerPoint presentations 24/7). The position paid well, but I was learning little and I spent each day endlessly frustrated. After a year in the position I started to get migraines every week, and I knew something had to change.

After that experience, I added a new non-negotiable to my list. No jobs where I lacked autonomy and would end up doing busy work.

If you’re still trying to determine what your non-negotiables are, ask yourself the following three questions:

1. What do I absolutely dread in my day-to-day? How can I change that?
2. What do I enjoy the most about my day-to-day? How do I get more of that?
3. Am I in control of any of these options?

For example, if the thing you dread most about your day-to-day is showering, then you’re probably out of luck. Having good hygiene is a non-negotiable if you want others to like you (or at least like smelling you).

If it’s something that you can change though, such as your daily commute, that’s a much more realistic change to make. A key factor in many people’s job choices is whether it’s remote or a short distance away.

Determining what you absolutely need in life is a difficult task, and you can usually only find the answer through experience. Therefore, you’ll have many fewer things on your list when you’re younger. Once you determine what your non-negotiables are though, you’re one step closer to living the life that you want.

Last year I spent a month without a phone.

It. Was. Amazing.

Here’s how the experience went:

Day 1: Sadness. Breaking a phone is a bummer.

Day 2 – 5: Jitters. I reached for my non-existent phone hundreds of times during this period. When it’s no longer there, you realize how often you use it distract yourself.

Day 6 – 14: Full detox. It’s amazing how much more time time you get back when you don’t have your phone.

Day 14 – 30: Bliss. I started living in the moment again.

Day 31: Relapse. I couldn’t get by without 2-factor authentication or navigation.

Phones & Dopamine

While phones aren’t all bad, having a tiny computer in your pocket 24/7 can reduce your happiness. That’s because using your phone can provide small dopamine hits, which leads into a 3-stage negative feedback loop.

Stage 1: Your realize phones are awesome! Maybe it’s a positive email. Likes on your photo. A fun mobile game. Whatever it is, your brain loves it.

Stage 2: Your brain automatically seeks the same reward. However, it’s not always there. It a psychology conditioning quite similar to slot machines, where you pull the lever (i.e. take out your phone) MORE often when the outcome is random.

Stage 3: You enter a negative feedback cycle. Using your phone for long periods of time makes you unhappier. To combat this you begin to seek small dopamine rewards to balance it out.

Try to spend half the day without your phone and count how many times you instinctively reach for it. The number will probably be higher than you think.

In the field of economics there is a widely known concept known as the utility equation. Created by Daniel Bernoulli, it states that people will keep on making decisions as long as it increases their utility (a.k.a. you receive personal satisfaction and/or the decision provides some type of benefit).

For example, let’s say you have a plate of cookies in front of you and you’re fairly hungry. Not starving, but you’re hungry.

When you eat the 1st cookie, it’s one of the best things you’ve ever tasted in the world. You gain lots of utility.

When you eat the 2nd cookie, it’s pretty great, but it’s just not as good as the first one. You gain some utility, but not as much.

You continue eating cookies until you finally get to the point where you don’t want any more. Maybe you’re full, maybe you want to avoid the extra calories. Whatever the reason is, you absolutely do not want another single cookie.

Graphically, your experience would look something like this:

Right around cookie #10 you don’t care anymore. You could eat it, you could not, But after cookie #10, that is it. You absolutely do not want to eat any more cookies.

This equation is pretty straightforward since, at a clear point in time, you know for certain that you won’t gain anything by eating anymore. So you stop. You stop because there’s an immediate link between the benefit (or lack thereof) of eating another cookie.

However, this isn’t so straightforward for other things in life, such as worrying. When you begin to worry, there isn’t a direct link between you worrying and the benefit you get from worrying.

Worry exists for really only one reason: To make your brain focus on a specific task. It might be about the test you have coming up, the important in-person interview, or a public speech you’re being forced to give at a wedding.

Regardless of what you’re brain is demanding you concentrate on, you only get so much benefit from spending your precious time thinking about it. Graphically, it looks something like this:

Notice the steep drop off after the initial stages of worry. This happens because there is only one thing to be gained from worrying, and that is for you to concentrate on the root cause of the worry, a.k.a. “The Peak Of Realization”. At this peak, your brain has done its job and directed its attention to what you need to focus on (even if you can only address the problem at a later point in time).

After you pass this peak, you’ll very quickly enter “The Trough Of Worry”. In the Trough Of Worry, you gain nothing by continuing to think about the problem. In fact, you’ll likely lose something, whether it be time, sleep, or your hair.

Over worrying exists because you either can’t, or won’t take action. Therefore when you realize you are over worrying, you should ask yourself two questions (if it helps, say it out loud):

1. Is there anything I can do to fix this?
2. If not, then why am I worrying about it?

These two questions will help reset your mind and have it focus on what you can control, and what you can’t control. They allow you to take a step back and rationally think about the problem.

While this is a drastic oversimplification of the concept of worry, this is the best mental model I have found to put my mind at ease when I find myself over worrying. Snapping yourself back to normal may not always be easy, but if you ask yourself the two questions above, it will at least help make a difference.